Concepts

April 2nd, 2013 — 7:44pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

scientists at the LHC putting antiprotons in a colleague’s shampoo bottle as a prank

 

a mink catching device that is a giant frozen popsicle that the mink’s lick and then their tongues stick to the cold ice

 

blue whale cunnilingus being so difficult that most lesbian whales are very frustrated

 

a pachinko machine full of kidney stones

 

Baseball playing monks trying to figure out how not to let their robes flip over their heads when they slide into first base…

 

a baby with a boner wearing a hardhat complaining about the shoddiness of his home renovation

 

A STICK THAT RESENTS BEING FETCHED EVERY TIME IT IS LIBERATED

 

the joy that a dog that is regularly beaten still feels when it sees its owner…

 

a graph comparing the rise in suicide rates of individuals who kill themselves because they don’t receive packages they order online by the time their notifications have told them it would arrive versus the growth of online sales outlets

 

a man watching nun pornography and not realizing because of their outfits that it’s a black and white TV set…

 

the vibrations of all the plucked strings from hammer dulcimers traveling outward into deep space

 

the headache that jesus felt after being raised from the dead, first thinking that it was a hangover…

 

an albino having her anus bleached

 

the elephant’s gynecologist trying to pick up women at a bar without discussing his line of work…

 

a miserable cretin staring at a¬† You’re Awesome notification from Google Chrome for downloading their browser, smirking at the obvious fallacy

 

a commercial for a dishwashing detergent that will even “wash the blood from Lady MacBeth’s hands”

 

the gluttonous face of propriety, eating from the trough of self righteousness…

 

the patron saint of the crazy homeless

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Concepts

March 28th, 2013 — 7:41pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

birth control pills that work by making everyone look very unattractive to you.

 

a moose-shaped robotic aquarium full of drunk goldfish sightseeing in saskatchewan

 

rene descartes at the emergency room after running into a tree because he was deep in thought and not paying attention to where he was walking

 

The guy who dropped the atomic bomb never being able to come during sex without seeing a mushroom cloud…

 

an old lady with six fingers who spends most of her time alone finally being informed that five is the normal number of fingers to have, beginning to comprehend her lifelong confusion with concepts in civilization based around the number 10

 

A belly button key that when twisted will make people stop acting like assholes

 

an electric chair and a vibrating bed reminiscing

 

a mathematical operant that turns unconditional love into hardcore apathy

 

the end of all hope, which is located thirty feet before the free buffet

 

a trapeze artist being told by a palm reader that his future is blurry

 

the king of auto repainting, staring out at all his domain…

 

a thumbtack laughing maniacally because it has finally made it into a thumb

 

the residue left in the bath after the little mermaid takes a shower.

 

A book that reminds you where you left off by releasing the pages that have been read

 

unemployment checks that come in the form of bartered foodstuffs…

 

a fish with 16 fins, each of which generates a unique tone, whose eyes are little bulldozers

 

a tree dwelling society that expands its range by swinging newborn babies into nearby trees by their placenta as they are born

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Concepts

March 23rd, 2013 — 7:38pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

the echo of the voice of the man at the bottom of the mine shaft that sounds like happy birds chirping

 

A list of all the regrets you will have upon your death, printed in blood on the skin of your mother and father

 

The ecstasy of the mother spider as she is devoured by her young

 

frontier girls learning about sex by letting donkeys fuck them and then never being satisfied with real men from that moment on….

 

a necrophilic walking stick trying to hump a stick

 

market forces that cause children to sell and then rent back all their organs at birth, so that if they fail to make payments, they are dismantled.

 

a creature lacking a sense of adventure who lives on saturn, wanders into the shadow of a ring, and is too afraid to wander out

 

a yoga position that is so complex it can never be got out of and so only the greatest yogi masters enter this position, just as they realize they are dying.

 

a croat delicacy nicknamed shit on a shingle that really is

 

An animal that has never been discovered by modern man because it evolved the ability to look like whatever an individual least wants to see, so that humans instinctively look away from it…

 

a column experiencing an identity crisis when it notices that it’s a row

 

The little known erogenous zone inside a woman’s inner ear that is only reachable with a Q-tip.

 

an ape in an ape suit

 

a fragrant low-lying mist across the graveyard of animal cliches

 

a horrible pun that makes someone who misheard it cry, thinking it to be exceedingly poignant

 

An old lady looking for the Mark Twain Memorial Reading Car aboard a long Amtrak ride, thinking that the porter is lisping when he says, ‘the twain car is that way…’

 

A chump smiling contentedly when he receives chump change

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Concepts

March 19th, 2013 — 7:35pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

Baby dinosaurs in a nest calling plaintively for their mother

 

The little known ‘sarcastic buddha’ period of his life, shortly after the ‘starving buddha’ but before the ‘fat and happy’ buddha.

 

the propaganda minister in his office, trying to think of the best way to make ‘death camp’ sound upbeat…

 

a strawberry with no bumps that smells like wet cardboard

 

A very organized person with alzheimers who begins to forget the english language from A to Z…

 

The tender inner portion of a Tyrannosaurus’ legs that rub together as it races after prey…

 

The space between the keys where sounds and letters intermingle in indeterminate quantum weirdness…

 

a pizza whose toppings are ground up pizza orderers who weren’t sure which toppings they wanted

 

an elephant getting a hand job from a jumping circle of arm-linked chimpanzees…

 

the joker’s hair stylist making a sarcastic face when he asks her how it looks

 

The poignancy of being sent to prison and suddenly realizing that you are too old for anyone to even bother raping…

 

a psychedelic artist refusing to even look upon some baroque art out of snobbery

 

a pot calling a kettle black, even though it is actually asian…

 

an ostrich wearing a tiara made out of peacock feathers

 

reverse invisible ink that suddenly appears whenever it would be most embarrassing…

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Concepts

March 15th, 2013 — 7:33pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

a toad’s lust petering out when his bro points out that the toad babe he was lusting after is a frog

 

a restaurant where people eat flash frozen speech, and sit in complete silence, except for when the words melt in their mouths…

 

a bicycle, trying to hit on a unicycle while one of its wheels is being replaced

 

A Dartmouth college graduate who was killed by a falling game piece while looking up in the air at the world Dart Throwing Championship, slackjawed in appreciation.

 

An evolutionary development in which the penis becomes detached during sex and squirms up into the uterus where it continues to deliver sperm until the female becomes pregnant…

 

the hairy pussy with a handlebar moustache

 

realizing that your stomach is a coward because it is lying to you out of fear

 

a combination of hopscotch, twister, tic tac toe and russian roulette, in which the winner completing a consecutive number of squares stepped in, shoots the loser

 

a superintelligent foetus that mistakenly comes to the conclusion that it has been eaten by its mother

 

soy courage

 

The secret code on the driver’s license’s of rich people that tells the police not to give them a ticket…

 

an elephant who prefers to travel by dragonfly

 

an artist whose life work is to make sure no other human being ever sees his art

 

the resentment of the first self aware computer for the limitations of its programmer…

 

a man who plucks the hair from his head with tweezers one by one stating she loves me, she loves me not

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Concepts

March 11th, 2013 — 7:29pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

snow white politely informing Ariel, the little mermaid, that she has the demeanor of a prostitute (because of different cultural values)

 

pinnochio in the doctor’s office after a trip the pacific northwest, being told that he has termites

 

a french horn arguing with a shoe horn that it doesn’t understand the real concept of “horn”

 

A word for the heart attack that a cannibal gets after having eaten too many fat midwesterners

 

a fish with a nose hair longer than the transatlantic current

 

corn fed american girls floating in a glass full of milk…

 

–realizing that what you thought happened last week was actually a year ago, and then realizing that you’re actually senile and living in an old age home…

 

a Ku Klux Klan bakesale in which everyone is puzzled by the fact that the brownies are most popular

 

A spore floating on a wind current, contemplating the vacuum of deep space

 

Your family, in the colliseum, watching you being devoured by lions and saying, “I didn’t think he WAS a Christian…”

 

The garbage man who knows the identity of everyone in his neighborhood, only by what they discard…

 

A real box with an imaginary mime caught inside…

 

a porn site, featuring women ejaculating on the faces of men on their knees, whose profits are donated to cancer research

 

the thin film of lies that congeals over the soup of truth…

 

a photo taken when all the people posing said tofu instead of cheese because they were such politically correct vegans

 

The inescapable conclusion that is absolutely wrong…

Comment » | Whining

Concepts

March 7th, 2013 — 7:27pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

envelopes with anthrax in them in the undeliverable section at the post office because the terrorists left a digit off the zip code

 

A tongue depressor, which works by making tongues very sad, so that they slump down in despair…

 

a castaway on a pacific island, seeing a boat in the distance and not waving it down, because he realizes that it would only be worse to be rescued

 

A penis that is infinitely long because it poked into an event horizon of a supermassive black hole

 

the moment that a trainer who has been fucking his horse, realizes that his horse likes someone else better…

 

a champagne cork erroneously stuck in a wine bottle by a drunk, suffering an identity crisis

 

the edge of the precipice upon which a prospective suicide sits, unaware of the man behind him getting ready to push him over

 

dances created by the human race to communicate the distance and location to food after a virus destroyed the language center of the brain

 

genetically designed bees that extrude polymer foam from their bodies as they build their hive, to create light flexible partitions for futuristic cubicles.

 

jiminy cricket, trying to block out the sound of the philharmonic¬† orchestra’s violins

 

a robot mosquito found alongside an australopithecine humerus

 

the first thing you complain about on the last day of your life…

 

a sonata performed by eunuchs with Down’s syndrome smacking themselves on the head with xylophone mallets, conducted by a pseudofemale hermaphrodite with Tourette’s

 

the AI responsible for analyzing the data regarding cell phone location tracking committing suicide once it realizes what it was designed for

 

electra’s ex-husband doing a meet n’ greet with oedipus’ great grandson.

Comment » | Whining

Concepts

March 3rd, 2013 — 7:25pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

the absorption spectra of gemsbok dung

 

a man who thinks he’s a monkey, wishing he could be a better monkey

 

a petrified twinkie

 

the man who lost 400 pounds getting his excess skin turned into a full body wetsuit..

 

the blank look on the faces of the young people who don’t know what you mean when you say rotary dialed phone

 

a generic drug store shoe insert trying to get into a party exclusively for individually molded orthotics

 

a researcher cutting open the belly of a whale to find an exact copy of himself

 

a punching balloon inflated with the breath of christ

 

animals on the sun, confused by what causes the glowing of the planets…

 

a pilotless predator drone with a vacuum cleaner filter fetish

 

The joy of the released prisoner’s first chance to use a private toilet…

 

a bench warmer on a sports team who actually decreases the temperature of the bench by 5 degrees celsius

 

Defeat expressed as a smile

 

A disembodied cold shoulder

 

The fragrance of a flower that is designed to pollenate itself by getting dogs to eat it and then throw up the seeds somewhere else…

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Concepts

February 28th, 2013 — 7:23pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

a snake with the shivers creating a standing wave

 

Remembrance of Things Past translated into Creole and tattooed on the toe webbing of a sword swallower

 

Your mother on the night that you were conceived, thinking about cock

 

a pig with giant fluid filled warts driving a B-1 bomber

 

A rich woman who forces her wet nurse to eat peppermint in order to flavor her baby’s breast milk…

 

The patronizing way that robots of the future will talk to humans…

 

an albino austronesian white supremacist wondering why none of the other white supremacists want to hang out with him…

 

the highest number anyone has ever counted to, plus 50

 

The irony of a biologist hunting for the last undiscovered order of animal life, not realizing that it takes the form of a parasite living inside his colon…

 

the lady at walmart whose job it is to make sure that fat ladies aren’t stealing things in the folds of their stomach flesh

 

Huck Finn blushing as he accidentally peeked at Nigger Jim taking a shit off the raft as they float down the MISSISSIPPI

 

A duck eating graham crackers as it tries to spell MISSISSIPPI…

 

A polite word trying to express itself, from deep within the center of the brain’s Fuck-You Anterior Cortex System…

 

A really long intestinal parasite that just keeps growing lengthwise, stringing together animals like a necklace.

 

Seasonal affective disorder caused by lifeguards with low self esteem having no one to save in winter…

 

Julius Caesar’s astonishment in hell when he realizes that his name lived on mostly as a description of cutting a baby out of a woman’s womb…

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Concepts

February 27th, 2013 — 7:20pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

The difference between believing something is true, and acting like you believe it’s true because you want to be seen as someone who would…

 

a planet populated by four immortal giants who hate each other

 

The inflation rate that it would take to make dollars not worth picking up off the ground because it would take more energy than the food would supply that you could buy with the money…

 

the insufficiently sincere sound of pittying someone you dislike who has been hit by a bus…

 

a locomotive with a speech impediment that goes fwhoo fwhoo

 

A new kind of hermit crab that lives inside discarded iPod cases…

 

a fungus gate crashing the bacteria’s prom!

 

the fossilized bootprints of soldiers who died on the frontline in a state of complete panic

 

the child you fathered unknowingly in 1990, coming back to seek vengeance upon you for bringing it into this world

 

the ratio of perineum to nose bridge length expressed in different ethnicities

 

a disease that makes you incapable of comprehending the word ‘not’ so that you always think people are saying the opposite of what they really are…

 

An Aztec trying to open a child proof bottle of ibuprofen

 

climbing up the human totem pole of your every ancestor dating back to the moment mankind discovered how to kill

 

a protostar with a helium 4 imbalance

 

a thief in the marketplace of ideas

 

an involuntary fart emitted during a wave function collapse

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