Archive for April 2013


Concepts

April 28th, 2013 — 8:00pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined

 

A bitch who is the daughter of a son of a bitch, making her the bitchy granddaughter of a bitch…

 

A planet that orbits outside the star’s ecliptic, and alternates between being depressed and megalomaniacal depending on whether it is above or below the rotational disk of the other planets at any given time

 

an angry, angry little baby that is only crying because it is furious and can’t express its bitterness to anyone…

 

a warthog, whose shadow only appears when a cloud passes between it and the sun

 

a playful hobbit sculpting her bowel movement into the profile of an orc

 

speaking so fast that the words break through the sound barrier and arrive silently…

 

a word that is so complex in meaning that it becomes self conscious the moment that someone thinks it, and then it takes over the original mind.

 

a clone engaging in complimentary laughter upon being told a series of “Yo mama” jokes

 

a duck that mates for life but cheats

 

The word that people of the future will have for behavior that is indicative of people from today

 

an indian who becomes chief after inventing the fart flap on a wigwam

 

memories printed on paper that can be eaten and remembered, but only once…

 

an odd toed ungulate arguing with the classification board that it is actually a deformed even toed ungulate

 

the devil breaking open a jesus piñata at his birthday party

 

an abstract painting that gives all the bronze sculptures boners

 

A city so unpleasant that no other township will be its Sister City. So people call it the Only Child.

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Concepts

April 24th, 2013 — 7:58pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined

 

 

A cannibal fondly thinking of an ex girlfriend as he looks at the face in his soup…

 

A verb that is terrified of becoming a direct object, which it views as less socially acceptable…

 

a frog with five legs who can only jump anti clockwise

 

The cornerstone of progress being upended to search for the squirming worms of social inequality…

 

death by multiple toothpick stabs, 877 to be exact

 

A superintelligent lightning bolt, that realizes its own mortality as it flickers out of existence…

 

the fluctuating bond market for hope being rapidly depreciated by the despair index.

 

a deaf mute, who imagines sound as a metaphor for smell…

 

An inverse volcano that sucks entire hillsides into the center of the earth…

 

a greedy accountant who dreams of having her orifices filled with molten gold

 

A giant earthworm that evolves a protective shell that looks like a human corpse…

 

The mouse from Hickory Dickory Dock who ran up the clock slamming you for assuming he knew the mice from Three Blind Mice

 

an obsessive compulsive who has to dance the Jitterbug every time he hears the words, ‘I’m sorry.’

 

a serial killer who likes to attend buddhist meditation sessions every saturday morning so he can laugh internally at the inappropriateness of him being there

 

A double boomarang, that comes back to you and then leaves once again…

 

a uterus that is shaped like a w, so people call it a Wuterus.

 

the back of the color blue…

 

a fly whose sunglasses lenses are each a different prescription

 

A tanned man in montana

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Concepts

April 20th, 2013 — 7:55pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined

 

 

an impotent thunderstorm that squeaks

 

An alcoholics anonymous anonymous meeting for alcoholics who like to write under pen names.

 

a feathered brick purring as it is petted by an asteroid with rhubarb ears

 

an Aurora Borealis that sends waves of pleasure rather than light, so that all innuit peoples immediately have an orgasm.

 

an anti anxiety medication that turns your nose fuchsia but makes you colorblind so you don’t notice it

 

A little girl raised by nuns, who suddenly realizes that people are allowed to wear colors other than black and white.

 

a dog smelling its own fart and sighing wistfully at a meal that he remembers…

 

A hippo with hip displasia

 

a money tree that is an evergreen whose branches are all above the reach of the needy

 

a double contra bassoon player whose melody makes all the fat people follow him out of town

 

an eight year old future serial killer looking up the phrase serial killer on google because it sounds oddly appealing to him

 

a navajo named forever triumphant succumbing to cancer and bowel incontinence

 

a foot that refuses to be tamed by any shoe

 

Pornographic matrushka dildos that fit one inside the other

 

a descendant of one of the asuras who was the ancient nemesis of visnu, not realizing she is hurting herself each time she goes to yoga all in accordance to the plan

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Concepts

April 17th, 2013 — 7:53pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined

 

hunting down the happiest person on earth, just so you can make his day a little worse.

 

a planet inhabited by boomerangs, where all the children keep coming home

 

The letters of the alphabet that were removed in order to prevent people from thinking about the words that they began with…

 

a psychiatrist concluding that the initial act that drove one of his patients insane was the day he randomly chose to add raisins to his cereal

 

A disease that causes the body to inflate with helium, floating the sick into the sky where they eventually die, fall to earth and splatter, spreading more disease…

 

The region between a hermaphrodite’s testicles and her vagina, which is called The Veldt.

 

a board game with dice and two by fours, in which you roll the dice to find out how many times you hit your opponents with the two by fours

 

a fleet of horny dolphins getting 8 simultaneous hand jobs from an octopus

 

a new “Enemies” feature in Facebook that keeps you updated on what your enemies are up to

 

Trained seeing eye centipedes that will spell out in Braille on the forehead of a blind person what is within eyeshot…

 

a gumball machine with a NAND gate

 

–The sound that a snoring pirate makes when his parrot poops in his open mouth…

 

a dumbass repeatedly being reincarnated one i.q. point lower

 

a waterfall of liquid oxygen that evaporates before it hits the ground…

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Concepts

April 13th, 2013 — 7:51pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

building a tiny career in the space between expectation and reality…

 

tongue-kissing the jaws of defeat while fingering the bitch goddess of fame

 

freeze dried ashes filling 144 safe deposit boxes

 

The bitterness of a million unsuccessful actresses smothering a young producer to death in his sleep

 

the mahabharata illustrated on the skins of several thousand hindu corpses

 

a grasshopper who learned to play the violin to seduce a cricket she was smitten with

 

A form of torture that involves constantly telling a person how much you love them

 

TWO musicians arguing over whether the sound of the car horn they both just heard was a SOL or a LA in B flat minor

 

a tantric sex position that can only be gotten into, because it kills you after you ejaculate

 

a joshua tree that prefers to be called Josh

 

The way that in Hell the smell of frying foetuses begins to make your mouth water because it smells like bacon

 

A superintelligent disease, hating itself for not being more lethal.

 

a humanoid porcupine yelling trade trade trade just before closing time at the NYSE

 

the first person to realize that the bitchy human resources lady is actually a robot

 

a great retrosnub icosidodecahedron staring in awe of the complexity of a twig

 

a monkey with precognition who rejects a female monkey’s advances because he doesn’t want his children to evolve into mankind.

 

a woman who has devoted her life to stealing slack from ropes

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NEW SITE

April 11th, 2013 — 1:25am

I have been spending all my energy lately on building out this news site on metabolism and the mind, called Re.Lyable, and it is, not surprisingly, at http://re.lyable.com

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Concepts

April 10th, 2013 — 7:48pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

people waiting in line to be farted on by a rhinocerous

 

a tricycle and a popsicle arguing over the merits of the etymological roots of each’s “sicle”

 

the little known fact that while he sat in the dust taking his famous black and white photographs of nature, Ansel Adams wore satiny women’s underwear.

 

a bridge to the clouds built of frozen regrets

 

An artist whose entire fame is predicated on his hatred of fame, who is terrified that he secretly likes it…

 

the series of dance moves that if done in the proper sequence will shuffle you off this mortal coil

 

the one thought that when thunk will rearrange your psyche such that you will be happy for the rest of your life.

 

The squeaking noise that a glass animal makes whenever it looks left or right…

 

a girl who googles “How to Wipe Your Ass” every time she has to take a shit due to problems with her short term memory

 

The flicker of light reflecting off the neighbor’s wall as the raven of the universe takes your soul to the underworld….

 

Jesus at the last supper conferring with Judas about how much to tip

 

A urologist and a proctologist competing against each other to pick up a woman at a bar…

 

a magnetic loop around a cheerio

 

the flight of the bumblebee, played from tiny autonomous speakers that float around the room.

 

a shape changing robot that prefers to live as a watch

 

The fact that Islam is forbidden from depicting mohammed, because he was so ugly…

 

A blue whale that is a werewolf…

 

the seed of a fart, being birthed in the hippocampus

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Concepts

April 6th, 2013 — 7:46pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

The birth of santa claus through the red felt-lined vagina of the earth…

 

the part to a complicated electronic device that somebody forgot to include in the shipping box sitting on a shelf in the warehouse crying about being orphaned and knowing the device will not work without it

 

parasites that grow in women’s bodies in place of children, but which grow up to be far better behaved than the real children would be…

 

ambition milking the udder of creativity

 

The narrow opening in a blue whale’s vagina that little fish swim into in order to hide from sharks.

 

leonardo da vinci drawing with his right hand while writing with his left, screaming “Tell me if anything was ever done”

 

a 400 pound extinct lemur wearing a powdered wig singing The Girl From Ipanema

 

A reincarnated baby with reverse alzheimers that forgets its past life as it becomes older….

 

a filthy talking rap song that has snuck its way onto a compilation of 100 best classical music pieces

 

reincarnating yourself as your own child’s child, just to take revenge…

 

a woman walking into a room and breaking down sobbing because she realizes by the lack of body odor that her husband has left her…

 

a sexy nightgown made out of a kind of spider silk that disintegrates if you tug on it lightly

 

two innuit lesbians quietly joking about eating ice cream…

 

sexploitation flicks delivered in the mail by netflix to a catholic priest who thought they were educational films about subjects heard in the confessional

 

swings swinging in contrary motion on a swingset on Iapetus

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Concepts

April 2nd, 2013 — 7:44pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

 

scientists at the LHC putting antiprotons in a colleague’s shampoo bottle as a prank

 

a mink catching device that is a giant frozen popsicle that the mink’s lick and then their tongues stick to the cold ice

 

blue whale cunnilingus being so difficult that most lesbian whales are very frustrated

 

a pachinko machine full of kidney stones

 

Baseball playing monks trying to figure out how not to let their robes flip over their heads when they slide into first base…

 

a baby with a boner wearing a hardhat complaining about the shoddiness of his home renovation

 

A STICK THAT RESENTS BEING FETCHED EVERY TIME IT IS LIBERATED

 

the joy that a dog that is regularly beaten still feels when it sees its owner…

 

a graph comparing the rise in suicide rates of individuals who kill themselves because they don’t receive packages they order online by the time their notifications have told them it would arrive versus the growth of online sales outlets

 

a man watching nun pornography and not realizing because of their outfits that it’s a black and white TV set…

 

the vibrations of all the plucked strings from hammer dulcimers traveling outward into deep space

 

the headache that jesus felt after being raised from the dead, first thinking that it was a hangover…

 

an albino having her anus bleached

 

the elephant’s gynecologist trying to pick up women at a bar without discussing his line of work…

 

a miserable cretin staring at a  You’re Awesome notification from Google Chrome for downloading their browser, smirking at the obvious fallacy

 

a commercial for a dishwashing detergent that will even “wash the blood from Lady MacBeth’s hands”

 

the gluttonous face of propriety, eating from the trough of self righteousness…

 

the patron saint of the crazy homeless

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