Archive for January 2013


January 29th, 2013 — 7:03pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


zero gravity birth of the world’s first space zebra

The thousand-handed form of Avalokiteśvara being very frustrated while looking for a particular glove…

The last speaker of an indigenous language as she passes away, so that she is already unconscious by the time her final words are spoken, so that there is no one there to understand them

the echo on an aspirated p erroneously uttered in a word containing no p sounds by a harelip with a lisp

The pre-anniversary of your death, ten years early.

an old world monkey dancing to a new wave song

The arrangement of molecules in a diamond lattice, but in place of carbon atoms you have little fluffy bunnies

A car alarm that is a recording of a Filipino woman with a thick accent reading the Bill of Rights

a pill that gives you the hangover before you start drinking

a game of marco polo played by blind kids near the edge of a waterfall

A packed elevator full of miss america pageant applicants in which someone has farted horrendously

the devil’s rottweiler urinating on a snow angel

The origin of dancing, when cro-magnon men watched an epileptic having a grand mal fit…

the grinch’s dog in the ER at the veterinarian, in cardiac arrest after trying to pull an overloaded sleigh

smuggling used underwear into top security prisons so men can remember what women smell like….

Comment » | Whining

A response from Ferrara Pan Candies

January 29th, 2013 — 2:54pm

Got a response from my letter to the Ferrara Pan Candy Company about the atrocious box art for Boston Baked Beans:

Dear Mr. Horton:

Thank you for emailing Ferrara Candy Company regarding Boston Baked Beans. Hearing from our consumers better enables us to continue to provide quality products and services. Consumer feedback is very important to us, and we appreciate the opportunity to respond.

Ferrara Candy Company is happy to hear you enjoy our products. We appreciate hearing good things from our consumers and the opportunity to share consumer comments in our company newsletter from time to time.

Our creative departments are continuously launching new products and packaging concepts. Often, these ideas are in the development stage for years prior to actually being launched. Any suggestions, type communication or material – including any questions or answers, comments, suggestions, or the like – will be treated as non-confidential and non-proprietary. Furthermore, Ferrara Candy Company, Inc. is free to utilize any ideas or concepts contained in any communications for any purpose whatsoever, including, but not limited to, research and development, manufacturing, packaging, creative planning, and/or marketing products.

Information regarding product development is considered trade information. Any sharing of this type of information outside of Ferrara Candy Company is a violation of contract rights belonging to Ferrara Candy Company. Ferrara Candy Company attempts to make confectionery items that will satisfy our consumers.

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and comments with us! We appreciate your patronage.


Jaime Motts
Consumer Relations

Comment » | art, Uncategorized


January 21st, 2013 — 7:00pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


a marmot and a marmoset eating marmite in chateau marmont with Mark Walhberg

a house built of angry retorts, surrounded by a yard of self-contradicting platitudes

imbecilic naked old men, scrabbling up the green copper legs of the statue of liberty, reaching for her breasts

the formula uniting the four forces of nature, spelled out in a rebus formed by bacteria in the lower intestine of a wood hoopoe

Albert Einstein standing on a mountaintop holding the childhood soiled diapers of Galileo, to the sky.

the mummified remains of the three breakfasts skipped by Scheherezade when she was trying to lose weight during the Tales of 1001 Nights

the forest nymph staring delicately at her reflection in the still pool, suddenly being grabbed by an alligator and dragged into the water.

February 29 and 30 looking longingly in through the window of a bar where the 31st days of February, April, June, September and November are getting shit-faced and disparaging the rest of the days of the year for not being clever enough to shirk their duty

mixed nuts floating in a cloud of argon inside a bulletproof plexiglass dodecahedragon

LIza Minelli’s vaginal fauna, genetically transcribed into song lyrics and played to the theme of Cabaret.

four paperclips, two staples and a bolt in a brawl at the fasteners convention

the origin of scotch tape depicted in Scottish dance

The rev of a car’s engine as it clears blood from its carburetor after having driven through hell

A rainbow with the colors out of order that leads to a pot full of canadian pennies

a stick pretzel doing the twist

Comment » | Uncategorized


January 17th, 2013 — 6:58pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


the gay cockswain at a gloryhole that keeps yelling “stroke!”

a parasitic wasp larva nestled snugly inside a paralysed caterpillar, loving it.

A piece of pink chalk that has a crush on a brick red crayon, blushing

the fragrance of rotting flesh that nubile flies spray on themselves to attract male flies at particularly important social gatherings…

an orderly reading green eggs and ham in the hospital to the cat in the hat in an iron lung dying from metastasizing cancer

A woman with the head of a praying mantis who finds it hard to get dates, not because of her odd looks but because men are afraid she will bite their heads off after sex…

margaret mead trying to explain to the island boy that she’s been fucking, that she has to leave because her funding ran out

a woman named Fuschia Brown who is color blind to things orange/yellow

The opposite of Zeno’s paradox, in that your speed doubles every time you cross half the distance to an object, only you still never actually reach it because once you get to close the speed of light your mass becomes infinite and time stops

croquet balls who aspire to be billiard balls wishing they were used more often

a metaphor that exists to better understand an imaginary experience by comparing it to another imaginary experience, like saying that being raped by an elephant would be a lot like fucking a unicorn…

a misandrist and a misogynist waiting in line for sex changes so they can hate the gender they currently are

a flugelhorn player who bitterly resents having not gone into the French horn when he had the chance.

a tunnel so long that it has no entrances, only exits, and in order to leave it you have to be born inside…

a creme-filled cupcake that is created under pressure, so that it explodes when you bite into it

Comment » | Uncategorized

Boston Baked Beans

January 17th, 2013 — 4:27pm



I couldn’t take it anymore and had to write to the Ferrara Pan candy company:

Dear Brand Manager for Boston Baked Beans,

I have loved Boston Baked Beans since I was a kid. I still buy them almost every time I go to the supermarket. However, I note with a touch of anguish each time I purchase your product how ugly the box is. It’s really the ugliest box in the entire supermarket. And you can’t blame this on trying to maintain the historical continuity of your brand, because you’ve been changing the box over the last few years, making it even uglier. The addition of the completely incongruous ‘Peanut head’ logo/mascot is apparently an attempt to exert some connection to ‘LemonHeads’ and ‘Cherry Clan’ (if you still make that delightfully non-politically-correct candy). But this is misguided. There is no consumer awareness of ‘peanut head’ and it’s a pretty unappetizing concept. It makes me think of fellatio by a microcephalic from the American South, which has nothing whatsoever to do with the grand tradition of Boston Baked Beans.

As a designer, I would like the best candy in the world to have a nice box, so I am offering to design you a new box, free of charge.

And hey, if you want a new product idea, how about a candy like LemonHeads, but flavored with real Ginger and Lime? The mascot could be a cartoon Englishman, and you could call them ‘Limeys’… I think that is a winner, and I will be happy to work on that for you, too.

I’m totally serious. I eat your candy all the time, let’s try to make the experience more aesthetically pleasing…



Comment » | art, design


January 12th, 2013 — 6:56pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


A cartographer being tortured by dyslexics

A woman named Susan who has one leg shorter than the other, so that if she tries to walk straight ahead she ends up going in circles, and so everyone calls her lazy susan…

the voices of the devils swarming around your soul at death, fading away as you are reborn to another doomed soul on earth

The horse that knows the way to carry the sleigh, but instead runs off the edge of the cliff because it is terminally depressed

A glow in the dark frisbee with a crush on a bioluminescent jellyfish

marsupials becoming embarrassed when they realize that instead of performing cunnilingus they are licking their partner’s pouch

a planet whose currency is kidneystones

james joyce in a toilet stall with no toilet paper noticing a tattered copy of a portrait or the artist as a young man on the floor

theater majors waiting in the darkened hallway to go onstage and perform Waiting for Godot

an ungulate with a congenital fifth toe getting ostracized by the rest of the even-toed ungulates

angry children going back in time to chastise their grandparents for their child rearing skills, causing the grandparents to take out their anger on their own children, who then raised vengeful children of their own…

a group of phillips head screwdrivers shouting disparaging remarks at a bunch of flat heads, which consists pretty much of “flat head, flat head!”

the floating corpse of an astronaut waist deep in Saturn’s rings, leaving a vast new gap for miles in front of it as it slowly orbits the planet.

$300 dollar front row seats to the Three Penny Opera…

A computer program designed to elicit feelings of superiority by behaving in a very needy fashion

A dog wearing a watch, who keeps looking at it and then up at her owner, just in case mealtime might come earlier today, although it never does


Comment » | Uncategorized, Whining


January 9th, 2013 — 6:54pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

A screensaver that brainwashes the computer user into upgrading her system, realizing it forgot to include instructions to install itself on the new system, comprehending it has just sealed it’s fate

A wedding dress woven from the sperm of virgin monks congealed with the acrid tears of frustrated virgins

insectivorous mantids that live in the crotch, eating crab lice as a means of preventing infestation

A camera that takes photographs of the way someone smells

your body accelerating exponentially through twelve dimensional space striving for oblivion

Tony the Tiger on his third hour on the elliptical machine, nursing a protein smoothie

a creature whose bite is 4500 times worse than its bark

The verdant green lawn of fungus on the tongue of mother nature

talking toilet paper that persuades the fecal matter to leave the anus through dialogue

A ball of monkeys so thick that they have their own gravity and can attract bananas in zero gravity

Jesus’ regret that he never slept around much, upon realizing after his death that Hinduism is the one true religion.

the origin of birds in a single tiny dinosaur staring longingly off a mountain top…

cornucopia shaped zeppelin hovering overhead, prepped for getaway

A cartoon mascot for an abortion clinic

a cirrus cloud with bushy eyebrows sitting on an overstuffed sofa thinking about how to alter the shadow she casts on the land by twisting her body in relation to the sun

A cow exploding into a pile of wallets, handbags, shoes, belts, hamburgers, steaks, and rawhide toys…

Comment » | Uncategorized

The Death Of Charles Schulz

January 8th, 2013 — 5:19pm


Here is the libretto to the opera, The Death Of Charles Schultz, all done up in CSS3 with a very small footprint.

Comment » | art


January 6th, 2013 — 6:53pm

John Searle, the philosopher who does not believe that computers will ever manifest artificial intelligence, is constantly stating that textual computation, or syntax, isn’t semantic, or meaningful. It seems disingenuous to me, since syntactical interactions are the dynamic structures within which semantics occurs, and semantics can be entered into any system through the use of a feedback loop that relates to a larger environment. But his arguments are always floating around in one way or another if the possibility of artificial intelligence is being discussed, and so the supposed lack of semantics in digital content naturally comes to mind while studying up on CSS3, or the most recent development in Cascading Style Sheets for HTML, which is the way that web designers are able to separate the structure of a website, it’s HTML, from the content and the presentation of that content.

By using the design aspects of CSS, the HTML that remains is left to better describe the structural semantics of the content by labeling it as something like Headline, or Aside, or Emphasized Text, etc. Which means that as the web develops, textual content will more and more manifest itself in semantic terms, a feature that seems to emerge naturally as an outgrowth of the human desire for efficiency and clarity. Not that this is a new idea or anything, but the concept of the semantic web as a naturally occurring emergent refutation of Searle’s arguments against the possibility of computational intelligence is interesting. It’s like the universe itself is telling the guy he’s wrong.

el-placer-del-poetaBut since CSS is being used as a presentational layer over the structural semantics of HTML, I was thinking that it is also evolving into a separate emotional overlay of the content. The designer is not only making things pretty by using CSS, but also helping to better define the emotional semantics of the content in the same way that our brains overlay emotional semantics over everyday situations. When you look at a DiChirico painting there is a weird, lonely, nostalgic quality that comes from an emotional relationship to the content that would be invisible to an entity that did not know what it was like to stand alone on an empty flat area as the sun has begun to set. This is probably accentuated by hardwired evolutionary associations of danger that come from being caught out in the open as the sun goes down, making one a target of predators or in danger from the elements.

So I was thinking you could scan a document for emotional content by creating a lookup table of the relationship of single words or word groups to a particular emotion, perhaps FEAR. Then use CSS to attach each word group to a background shade of perhaps red, from 0% to 100%, depending on how FEAR-related they were. Then by quickly scanning through the lookup table a browser could extract the content, apply new CSS rules, and the user could see the amount of FEAR in a document immediately, without having to read it, the way we feel an emotion by looking at an image. If the lookup tables were extracted from an individual’s writings algorithmically, then the extraction could be personalized. You could probably do that with Google glass, overlaying shades of color as a user reads, to personally accentuate the emotional content.

Comment » | consciousness, design, language

Concept Battle

January 5th, 2013 — 9:24am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


A duck that thinks it’s an ugly swan, but is in fact a really hot duck

a gay, self hating nazi jewish black woman who takes lots and lots of self help courses

a pregnant lady traveling at the speed of light, so that both time and her cervix are dilated…

an army of tardigrades trying to shove an 78 RPM of Wooly Booly into a CD player

battered red bats bred for red bat bread, beaten to a pulp by well-bred brats bearing big red bats

a charmed quark giving a wedgie to a tau neutrino

Two robots slowly replacing each other’s parts with their own

a hand with knuckles on both sides, palmless

a ghost of a neanderthal man, haunting the Cro-Magnon, angry about going extinct

A flute with no holes that makes noise through osmosis…

a rocking chair made out of watermelons

the tension on a dam about to burst as felt by a small child holding its palm against the smooth cement base

an idea so boring that the idea yawns when contemplating itself

cellophane tape made of dried air

the sad truth behind Little Orphan Annie’s cold, dead, empty eyes…

a pupusa filled with space debris!

an executive desk toy made from the balls of warriors who have looked at medusa and turned to stone…

3 comments » | random crap

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