Archive for May 2010


Concept Battle

May 29th, 2010 — 1:33am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

A dyslexic UPS delivery guy snorkeling in the great barrier reef with a package addressed to a recipient in the bikini atoll.

A dust mite staring with incomprehension at the vast expanse of the human eye.

An angel listening to a bootleg download of nine songs sung simultaneously by each of the nine levels of demons, the song of each in praise of the demons one level above them.

An albino chameleon that can only change into different shades of beige.

A coin reverse-engineered from the difference in the sounds two other coins make after rolling and falling onto their faces.

A merry-go-round made with live horses impaled on sticks.

A goose that ducks.

Boolean operators hanging out in a metalinguistic strip club when they’re not in use.

An object that exists in two dimensions, one of them time and the other width.

Someone who feels sexual excitement from boredom, sitting alone in a room smiling.

A policeman put in prison for having sex with a prisoner who was arrested for prostitution.

A pastrami and sauerkraut on pumpernickel sandwich watching reruns of three’s company in an abandoned washroom in nirvana.

A down payment on the reassurance that the molecules of your body will not spontaneously disassociate.

The crinkly noise that a potato chip bag makes as it triggers a salivation response in the couch-bound man.

Tantric yoga as practiced by a man with no arms or legs.

A turkey wearing an eyepatch inspecting a trebuchet made out of cigar smoke.

A Morman who marries a set of identical quadruplets.

The squeel of a bat closing in on tinkerbell, with its mouth open wide.

The gene responsible for asians mixing up the r and l sounds.

The toggle switch on the remote control to the electric chair and the man’s finger lightly pressing on it, waiting…

The reasonable mistrust felt toward anyone who has more hair than body mass.

A vacuum cleaner operating at high speed in the vacuum of deep space.

Comment » | random crap

Concept Battle

May 28th, 2010 — 1:30am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

Mickey mouse experiencing some discomfort in his lower alimentary canal due to heroin filled balloons.

The cheering that breaks out in the bleachers where gravity’s fans sit when the second hand on a battery operated clock no longer has enough energy to defy gravity and droops down pointing at the 6.

Tantric octopi in a menage a trois, creating a four dimensional tesseract…

A praying mantis performing tantric sex and eating its partner’s head, really, really slowly.

A bird sitting on a wire that is so long that it actually orbits around the earth about thirty feet in the air.

A moray eel living inside an elephant as its tapeworm…

Nirvana at the center of a chocolate bar.

The tournequet of despair upon the bleeding appendage of naivete.

Two mafia thugs heaving pinocchio into a wood chipper.

The bricks from the tower of babel, used to build a pool along the shores of the river Lethe.

Some angel hair anemone growing on the bottom of the river styx.

An imaginary number so complex that it causes an infarct in the brain of anyone who successfully contemplates it.

Feces from a white racist and a black supremacist, bumping against each other in the darkness of a sewer pipe.

A gesture among the warring tribes of the amazon rain forest which to them means “get off the path or we shall declare war” which in the civilized west means “do they have wireless internet here?”

A q-tip date-raping a cotton ball.

The look of innocent curiosity on a child’s face as it stones a wounded bird to death.

3 comments » | random crap

Concept Battle

May 22nd, 2010 — 1:26am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

A three dimensional transparent tetrahedron about the size of a sandwich that follows you around rotating randomly just above or below your line of sight.

The first computer program to grow angry at how badly it has been written…

The sound of something you were trying to remember as it zloops into oblivion.

A number which will never be discovered by man that contains encoded in it the most poetic description of mankind’s fate that it is possible to conceive of.

The homonym of a word that means its exact opposite.

The bewildered look of the last living dinosaur as it hatches from its egg.

Made in China stamps that are made in Mexico

symbolic logic representing the ebb and flow of female promiscuity as it relates to national debt.

An albino ghost.

The disappointment felt by a bird who was having a great time coasting on a thermal when she gets hit in the face by a crosswind.

A masaai warrior dressed up like raggedy anne for halloween, absent-mindedly still carrying his spear.

Psychic Vikings who discover America, only to leave when they realize what it will become…

A partridge in a peach tree, wondering where everybody else is.

A flagrant display of public affection between Herman Goerring and Adolph Hitler after having  overrun Poland…

A terrible idea that one individual had which was revised by a second into a somewhat interesting possibility, then transcribed by an emotionless drone, lost, found by an aggressively retarded fast food restaurant custodial assistant, then transformed into a work of genius, and finally stolen by Google.

The one yoga maneuver which can never be reversed once you enter into it.

A movie of the invisible man taking a pee in slow motion, focusing on the point of the stream at which it begins to reflect light.

Comment » | random crap

American != English

May 18th, 2010 — 2:29pm

Computer languages are specific ways of speaking that rely more heavily on process than content. And at this time, all major computer languages are dialects of English. But there are interesting cultural differences encoded into the structure of the different languages. I would say, to be even more specific, that most computer languages are dialects of American English and that some of our national personality comes through in the grammar and syntax.

The equals sign is a good example, as it has a unique meaning in languages like ObjectiveC. When you say ‘if (self = [super init])’ you aren’t really asking a question. This is exactly the same sort of question as “Could you pass the butter?” You know for a fact that the person you’re talking to can almost certainly pass the butter and you are actually requesting that he or she do it; right now. It’s a polite command. The equals sign is like that. In C, ‘=’ is used to make something become something else. If you are actually making an inquiry you have to repeat yourself like this “==”. All of which is second nature to the programmer, but programmers tend to be socially awkward, so the differences between commands, requests, and inquiries may not be particularly noticeable to them.

‘if (self = [super init])’ means, “You should initialize yourself right now. And if you can do that, I want you to continue with the rest of my request…”

Americans drape their orders in layers of false politeness, and their computer programs do the same.

Comment » | C, language

Concept Battle

May 15th, 2010 — 1:23am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

A fly, bigger than an elephant, wearing a fluorescent orange construction site helmet, carrying an elephant off to show the other giant flies, humming “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer some-thing” because she forgot the words, and the elephant says, “Wiener!”

The moment when the last human memory of your existence will disappear.

A plant that can only reproduce when it is bathed in the blood of a bird that is accidentally impaled upon it.

Concertina wire on the top of a concentration camp fence with the sound of a man playing the concertina wafting over the top.

Sincerity experienced as embarrassment in the face of a 12 year old girl, remembered by her mother at the girl’s funeral.

Max planck having anal sex with schrodinger’s cat while listening to holst’s music of the spheres.

A man named Roy G. Biv who is colorblind!

An ice cube vacationing in antarctica.

A theatrical production of the Spanish/English Dictionary, by mimes.

A hermaphrodite studying tantric sex…

The rush of self confidence that comes from killing an innocent man.

Eight black cats simultaneously crossing each other in an unlucky hexagon.

The brittle crust of dried salt on the hand of the delicate female marine biologist whose job it is to extract killer whale semen for their breeding experiment.

A musical instrument made from ice that can only be played in really cold climates.

An endodontist performing a root canal on her lover, a gynecologist, who is performing a gynecological exam on her, while simultaneously playing twister.

Canned marsupial being carried in a mailman’s pouch.

Comment » | random crap

why all creative work has already been written

May 10th, 2010 — 3:59pm

At the most fundamental level, all computer programs are composed of a series of zeroes and ones. And any series of zeroes and ones can be translated into the sort of base 10 number with which we are all familiar, which is also called an integer. Integers are positive and negative whole numbers, including zero itself. All of which means that there are numbers, very big numbers certainly, but unique numbers, which have qualities innate to them that are bizarre and fascinating and completely context-dependent.

For instance, somewhere in the universe it is a certainty that there is a rock or a cosmic dustball with the exact number of molecules composing it, which when written out into binary code and fed into a Macintosh computer, will be the program ‘Photoshop CS5’. One molecule more or less and the program will crash. That number is and always will be that number, but its relation to CS5 was completely dependent on bizarre and unpredictable chains of events.

There is an integer, which when translated into base 26 is ‘The Sun Also Rises.’ Hemingway didn’t write that book, he just located a number on the infinite ‘X’ axis of the multiverse.

Comment » | entropy

Concept Battle

May 10th, 2010 — 1:19am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

The show tunes that a freezer hums when all of its contents are frozen and it doesn’t have any work to do.

The developmentally disabled son of an aged but brilliant dwarf who becomes confused into thinking that he is the father and not the child.

A screw with an indentation in its head shaped like a question mark.

The freefall of the skydiver who has just realized that his angry spouse has replaced his parachute with dirty underwear…

The unsuccessful attempts to court a mycologist by a moirologist.

A Request for Proposals formally issued by the devil to the lesser subdemons for plans to annihilate the world.

The despair of the unmated mayfly as it hurtles to the earth to die.

An allegorical description of the difference between a simile and a metaphor.

The circular remains of a thousand year old creosote bush sprouting one last set of leaves before it dies, all happening before the first human being.

The turtle upon whose back the earth rests, as it realizes that it is only the figment of a primitive culture’s imagination.

An hypothesis playing croquet with an impossibility on a tundra.

The tidal wave that spreads out from the meteor’s impact, as it goes all the way around the earth and meets in the middle.

Flaming tumbleweeds on a giant hot wheels track twisted into a moebius loop.

Seeing stars when you hit your head while looking at the stars

Comment » | random crap

Odd

May 8th, 2010 — 1:14am

Received a phone call from someone claiming to be from the World Health Organization Management (does this even exist?) and then she started asking me about my sexual history. I immediately assumed it was a joke and started making things up, but the woman became annoyed and finally hung up on me. She didn’t seem to have much of a sense of humor, considering.

I looked up the organization and they do have a website:

http://www.sexualrelationshipdatabase.com/

I’m still not sure if it’s a joke or not though…

Comment » | random crap

Surrealism meets Objective C

May 3rd, 2010 — 6:31pm

Declaration:

– (BOOL) isEqualToString: (NSString *) aString;

Implementation:

NSString *this1 = @”a pipe”;

NSString *this2;

this2 = [NNString stringWithFormat: @”a pipe”];

if (this1 == this2) {

NSLog (@”This is a pipe”);

}

else {

NSLog (@”This is not a pipe”);

}

The string ‘this1’ is “a pipe” and string ‘this2’ is also “a pipe”. And yet, when you compare the two you get the result string: “this is not a pipe.”  The reason is because ‘this1’ and ‘this2’ are not actually strings but pointers to strings. ‘This1’ is just a number that directs the program to the space in memory where the string “this is a pipe” resides.  Because you are comparing two pointers, which are pointing to different areas of memory, the == is not true, and the result is “this is not a pipe”.

The word and the thing it represents should not be confused…

Comment » | C

Concept Battle:

May 1st, 2010 — 1:09am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

A bird whose whistle sounds like the challenge handshake authentication protocol of two 56K modems.

26 animal carcasses frozen into train cars, with wheels attached, in alphabetical order.

A calico raptor in a vitamin pill bottle, purring as she nuzzles against the cotton balls in there.

A nonliterate australian aboriginal hunter/gatherer with the high score on galaga, who laughs when you ask him how he did it, in response to something he’s currently experiencing in THE DREAM TIME.

The disappointment of the aging chinese man who has had the last rhino killed so that he may take advantage of the supposed aphrodesiacal qualities of its horn, when he realizes that he still can’t get it up and yet caused the extinction of an entire animal species.

Carefully tilting a frisbee containing an amount of mercury back and forth so the mercury travels in a rapid circles but does not spill.

The reincarnation of Buddha as a tiny child, crying relentlessly because it knows the pain of mankind.

Glitter surgically implanted in the epidermis.

Monks whose sole purpose in life is to await the coming of christ inside tiny underground cells held apart from the world so that their souls will be untainted.

The last person to leave the titanic before it sailed on the first day of her life.

A wish made upon throwing a coin in a wishing well that an enemy might fall into that very well.

Three blind mice controlling a grain thresher through the Mall of the Americas.

Fleeing priests from an explosion in the vatican caused by the pope’s illegitimate son playing with a chemistry set.

A saint among men in a thumb wrestling match to the death with a scholar who is not a gentleman.

Poor muslims having their wedding on ramadan so they don’t have to pay for food…

The pause that happens right before a snake gulps down the last of its meal, from the point of view of the meal.

Comment » | random crap

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