Category: Whining


March 11th, 2013 — 7:29pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


snow white politely informing Ariel, the little mermaid, that she has the demeanor of a prostitute (because of different cultural values)


pinnochio in the doctor’s office after a trip the pacific northwest, being told that he has termites


a french horn arguing with a shoe horn that it doesn’t understand the real concept of “horn”


A word for the heart attack that a cannibal gets after having eaten too many fat midwesterners


a fish with a nose hair longer than the transatlantic current


corn fed american girls floating in a glass full of milk…


–realizing that what you thought happened last week was actually a year ago, and then realizing that you’re actually senile and living in an old age home…


a Ku Klux Klan bakesale in which everyone is puzzled by the fact that the brownies are most popular


A spore floating on a wind current, contemplating the vacuum of deep space


Your family, in the colliseum, watching you being devoured by lions and saying, “I didn’t think he WAS a Christian…”


The garbage man who knows the identity of everyone in his neighborhood, only by what they discard…


A real box with an imaginary mime caught inside…


a porn site, featuring women ejaculating on the faces of men on their knees, whose profits are donated to cancer research


the thin film of lies that congeals over the soup of truth…


a photo taken when all the people posing said tofu instead of cheese because they were such politically correct vegans


The inescapable conclusion that is absolutely wrong…

Comment » | Whining


March 7th, 2013 — 7:27pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


envelopes with anthrax in them in the undeliverable section at the post office because the terrorists left a digit off the zip code


A tongue depressor, which works by making tongues very sad, so that they slump down in despair…


a castaway on a pacific island, seeing a boat in the distance and not waving it down, because he realizes that it would only be worse to be rescued


A penis that is infinitely long because it poked into an event horizon of a supermassive black hole


the moment that a trainer who has been fucking his horse, realizes that his horse likes someone else better…


a champagne cork erroneously stuck in a wine bottle by a drunk, suffering an identity crisis


the edge of the precipice upon which a prospective suicide sits, unaware of the man behind him getting ready to push him over


dances created by the human race to communicate the distance and location to food after a virus destroyed the language center of the brain


genetically designed bees that extrude polymer foam from their bodies as they build their hive, to create light flexible partitions for futuristic cubicles.


jiminy cricket, trying to block out the sound of the philharmonic  orchestra’s violins


a robot mosquito found alongside an australopithecine humerus


the first thing you complain about on the last day of your life…


a sonata performed by eunuchs with Down’s syndrome smacking themselves on the head with xylophone mallets, conducted by a pseudofemale hermaphrodite with Tourette’s


the AI responsible for analyzing the data regarding cell phone location tracking committing suicide once it realizes what it was designed for


electra’s ex-husband doing a meet n’ greet with oedipus’ great grandson.

Comment » | Whining


February 5th, 2013 — 7:07pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


gravity waves teaming up with waves of ironic detachment, so that anyone hit with them will suddenly think that it’s very important that nothing really matters…

a man who is the subject of an experiment to see if math can be taught by spousal nagging by a robot wife who disparages his genitals every time his sums are incorrect

A society that speaks the language that includes the death causing glottal stop, which only allows the word to be spoken legally by convicted criminals…

The secret origin of the phrase “pleased as punch,” which refers to Queen Elizabeth’s secret S&M fantasies…

a bacteria that live exclusively inside binoculars who have an exaggerated sense of the vastness of the universe

a chain of teens linked by their body piercings using a reinforced titanium cable, flung by a trebuchet off the deck of an aircraft carrier into a primitive village where the traditional garment is still made out of banana leaves

The guilty verdict in the trial over the guy who killed another guy after they got into an argument over whether the correct term is Bose-Einstein Condensate or Einstein-Bose Condensate

A Nose-Rinestone Condensate, which is the snot that builds up around teenaged girls’ noserings…

Two identical twins who are telepathic and who become an Einstein Bose Condensate when they are within a few feet of one another

a boomerang reincarnated as a yoyo that wishes it was a frisbee

clean room technology that removes impure thoughts from anyone who enters

abe lincoln sneaking away from the penny to punch tom jefferson on the nickel

ha x12

An Air Force General having a generalized seizure at general hospital at a time that could not be specified.

an epileptic in zero gravity, having a grand mal fit inches over a huge tub of water

Comment » | Uncategorized, Whining


February 1st, 2013 — 7:05pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


The little known fact that mary was a virgin at the time of Jesus’ birth only because Joseph was so into anal sex

A confused Nazi wannabe who thinks that Hitler believed the Armenians were the master race…

a dreidel that snuck into a game of Battling Tops

The word for pretending that you don’t smell the queen’s farts

a partridge who knows all the words to the 12 days of christmas except partridge, so every time she gets to the word partridge she hums

A self-hating megalomaniac who is convinced he’s the biggest asshole in the world…

a sideburn whose cousin is a moustache

A german word for the excitement that a male praying mantis feels before having sex even though he knows the female will eat his head

the term for that moment you realize after releasing a belly laugh that what you were laughing at was actually incredibly sad

the name for the long slow exhalation that people make before they finally just give up and do whatever it is they are trying to avoid…

The ancient art of chinese foot flattening, in which they make women’s feet rounded and large on the bottom so they can successfully walk around on large inflated balls in chinese circuses…

a cephalothoracopagus complaining at old navy that there are no shirts with four sleeves

a maypole created from satan’s penis with seven virginal nuns dancing around it, holding ribbons made from cotton soaked red with their menstrual blood

the trademarked and copyrighted slogan of a computer program that generates catch phrases for sitcom characters

A megalomaniacal god, who actually IS the ruler of the universe and so is actually quite a practical chap.

a harpsichordist feverishly playing the “The Termites are Eating My Harpsichord” symphony while termites eat her harpsichord

The piano tuner tuner, that tunes piano tuners by holding expensive, properly tuned pianos up to them to compare…

a rubber stamp of a tumor wearing a toupee

Comment » | Whining


January 29th, 2013 — 7:03pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


zero gravity birth of the world’s first space zebra

The thousand-handed form of Avalokiteśvara being very frustrated while looking for a particular glove…

The last speaker of an indigenous language as she passes away, so that she is already unconscious by the time her final words are spoken, so that there is no one there to understand them

the echo on an aspirated p erroneously uttered in a word containing no p sounds by a harelip with a lisp

The pre-anniversary of your death, ten years early.

an old world monkey dancing to a new wave song

The arrangement of molecules in a diamond lattice, but in place of carbon atoms you have little fluffy bunnies

A car alarm that is a recording of a Filipino woman with a thick accent reading the Bill of Rights

a pill that gives you the hangover before you start drinking

a game of marco polo played by blind kids near the edge of a waterfall

A packed elevator full of miss america pageant applicants in which someone has farted horrendously

the devil’s rottweiler urinating on a snow angel

The origin of dancing, when cro-magnon men watched an epileptic having a grand mal fit…

the grinch’s dog in the ER at the veterinarian, in cardiac arrest after trying to pull an overloaded sleigh

smuggling used underwear into top security prisons so men can remember what women smell like….

Comment » | Whining


January 12th, 2013 — 6:56pm

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


A cartographer being tortured by dyslexics

A woman named Susan who has one leg shorter than the other, so that if she tries to walk straight ahead she ends up going in circles, and so everyone calls her lazy susan…

the voices of the devils swarming around your soul at death, fading away as you are reborn to another doomed soul on earth

The horse that knows the way to carry the sleigh, but instead runs off the edge of the cliff because it is terminally depressed

A glow in the dark frisbee with a crush on a bioluminescent jellyfish

marsupials becoming embarrassed when they realize that instead of performing cunnilingus they are licking their partner’s pouch

a planet whose currency is kidneystones

james joyce in a toilet stall with no toilet paper noticing a tattered copy of a portrait or the artist as a young man on the floor

theater majors waiting in the darkened hallway to go onstage and perform Waiting for Godot

an ungulate with a congenital fifth toe getting ostracized by the rest of the even-toed ungulates

angry children going back in time to chastise their grandparents for their child rearing skills, causing the grandparents to take out their anger on their own children, who then raised vengeful children of their own…

a group of phillips head screwdrivers shouting disparaging remarks at a bunch of flat heads, which consists pretty much of “flat head, flat head!”

the floating corpse of an astronaut waist deep in Saturn’s rings, leaving a vast new gap for miles in front of it as it slowly orbits the planet.

$300 dollar front row seats to the Three Penny Opera…

A computer program designed to elicit feelings of superiority by behaving in a very needy fashion

A dog wearing a watch, who keeps looking at it and then up at her owner, just in case mealtime might come earlier today, although it never does


Comment » | Uncategorized, Whining

rampant self promotion

April 21st, 2011 — 2:44pm

Now available from trees:

(though it’s cheaper on kindle)


Comment » | Whining

Learning the language C

April 22nd, 2010 — 10:09pm

The difficult thing about learning this new computer language, C (which is actually a very old language that is new to me), is that it deals with the computer in a more direct and fundamental manner than the scripting languages I’m familiar with, like Actionscript 3.0 or Javascript. With C, when you declare a variable you actually have to tell the computer how much memory it’s going to take up on the hard drive, which seemed really old fashioned and annoying at first. It seemed as if that could be handled in the background somewhere so I could concentrate on the algorithm, which is the point of the computer program. The algorithm IS the computer program, not all this bookkeeping of memory addresses.

But then I realized that all this had to go on in the background all along, no matter what scripting layer was placed atop the underlying code. There would always have to be some space set aside for new variables when a new variable was required. Which seems obvious but is actually somewhat amazing, because I had always thought about the creation of variables in this ‘Platonic Ideal’ sense, as if they were merely abstractions that had to be filled in later.

But when you are forced to make space for everything you create, even the abstract as-yet-undefined-variables, you confront the point at which the real world strata of the computer directly connects to the abstract nature of thought. Information cannot exist in a netherworld of incorporeal immanence; it has to always be marks on a page or atomic dots or something that is the equivalent of chalk on a blackboard.

The ‘Platonic Ideal’ is bullshit, because the ideal is a thing and a thing has to be registered in some fashion. When you instantiate an object in object-oriented programming, you might think of this as the Platonic Ideal being made concrete, but that is a faulty metaphor because even that supposed Platonic Ideal is a series of zeroes and ones that are taking up length and width on a tiny spinning disk…

Comment » | Whining


September 11th, 2008 — 7:47pm

A weird ending to a weird job. The Austrian Bunker Doctors were finally, finally happy with the flash thing I made for them (which if they weren’t so picky would have been done weeks ago). Dr. Pierley was actually complimentary; I overheard her describing me to one of the other doctors as very effective. She mentioned some new contract for vets coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I can only assume that means a lot of cash. I believe they were celebrating with a little party of some sort, or else it was someone’s birthday or something.

She gave me a check for my work, and began talking about a new series of tests that she might want to begin working on in a few weeks. But then I mentioned… Somehow it came up that I’d been writing this blog, and the woman instantly flipped back into her obsessive weirdo mode. She told me that this was all super confidential, they had proprietary algorithms, etc…  Admittedly, I signed confidentiality papers, but it’s not breaking confidentiality to just say you worked somewhere, is it?!

I was a little hesitant to let her administer another test to me, given her annoyance, but the doctor was pretty insistent and ultimately I think getting back to her core competency (wiring people up to things) calmed the woman down. I’ve had issues with them over the last few weeks, but I believe they are legitimate doctors doing valuable work.

I suppose if I want more hours from these folks I should stop writing this thing. I don’t really have the energy to do much more, frankly.

Comment » | Whining

Burdensome Freedom

September 9th, 2008 — 4:49pm

I received the first check from my Amazon bookseller’s account. I believe it was in the neighborhood of $14.00. And though I am selling my LA satyrical (yes I meant that spelling) novel for a mere $2.99 on Kindle, I believe that the majority of the check came from the Kindle pamphlet I created about how to distill your own absinthe. People do like their drugs.

Comment » | Whining

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