Category: celebrity

Anne Hathaway is Abstract Expressionist

July 8th, 2008 — 3:19pm

I cannot be the only person to have noticed the similarity between the giant-eyed, balleen-toothed grin of newly ubiquitous Hollywood star, Anne Hathaway, and the groundbreaking abstract expressionist imagery of Willem de Kooning?

Comment » | art, celebrity, Whining

Sharon Stone and Adam Sandler and probably Eddie Murphy

June 4th, 2008 — 1:14pm

Wow, so it happened again. All I have to do is mention Adam Sandler (and not even in conjunction with a drug-addicted Haitian trannie prostitute) and I am immediately and robotically commented. This leads to a link where users of this service (I assume someone is getting paid) can see all the mentions in apparently any media whatsoever of Adam Sandler for that day:

The same thing goes for Sharon Stone ( although, oddly, NOT for Tom Cruise. Who would have thought that Sharon Stone would be more paranoid about her public standing than Tom Cruise. A friend of mine once moved paintings for her and said she was the biggest bitch he had ever met. This man worked on the set of porn films, among many other things, and I’m sure he’s met more than a few bitchy women in his travels. So to be selected as the MOST bitchy, from someone who has lived his entire male, adult life in LOS ANGELES… that is something. I am surprised no one brought up (after she recently declared that  Chinese earthquakes were the result of bad karma) that a certain Biblically Intense Lizard from Komodo once bit down on her husband’s foot and refused to let go, in what must be a karmic retribution of some sort… {,8599,133163,00.html}

ANYWAY, speaking of Eddie Murphy… (I am going to mention as many desperate, media-obsessed celebs as possible throughout this post to get even more robot-generated comments, thereby forcing even more poor, underpaid interns and hopeful industry drones to read my work as they plow through the various media mentions of people like Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Kidman, or Ashton Kutcher [whose last name I am not even going to bother spell-checking because he is probably so concerned with his current Q-score that his people search for multiple spellings of his last name]. You are my only audience, interns. I suppose I should be embarrassed that the only readers of my blog are people who are forced to do so for work, but I am actually taking a perverse pleasure in it. I guess to keep them from skimming over everything I should [ADAM SANDLER] mention a celebrity every few lines… [CRACK COCAINE HABIT].

The surprising part about all this is not that someone is willing to pay money to have every single public mention of a particular celebrity collated, each and every day, but that someone like Tom Cruise doesn’t bother to do it, while ADAM SANDLER…? This certainly belies the persona of belligerent frat-boy that his handlers have spent a decade carefully crafting. I am feeling at this moment a certain closeness to the poor souls whose job it is to read news about Adam Sandler all day long… I mean, my job sucks– -I wish I could escape it–and designers as a class of people do not get much respect, either in the workplace or in society as a whole. But whoever has to spend his or her day reading bits of gossip about Adam Sandler? I reluctantly have to admit, YOU have it even worse. Ethan? Hannah? Madison? Hunter? Whatever poor fuck you are, sitting there in your half-height, open-walled, supposed-synergy-enhancing cubicle? You can do better than this. Escape now while you still have a portion of your soul…

4 comments » | celebrity, Whining

Adam Sandler Testing

June 3rd, 2008 — 1:00pm

As far as I can tell from the WordPress stats, I have had almost 80 viewers since I’ve started this blog, every one of them myself. I seem to especially visit on weekends, so I am thinking of optimizing the material for natural search by writing more on weekends. That way I’ll expand my weekend audience even more.

BUT interestingly, I have had one comment, which was nothing more than a quote of my own blog, when I mentioned the name Adam Sandler, in connection with the archetypical idiots-at-work, people who think they have a sense of humor because they can quote a couple of the funny bits from movies by ADAM SANDLER or Will Ferrell. I am assuming that this weird quoting of my own blog to my blog was just badly written code in some publicist’s program that searches the internet every day for the names of celebrities who pay huge amounts of money to find out what people are saying about them.

Because why else quote myself to myself? I believe this program was just grabbing the few odd words before and after the quote about Adam Sandler, and later that day his publicist’s intern was forced to skim over a huge page full of equally benign references to his boss’s boss’s boss. Sorry intern. I am mentioning Adam Sandler now in EVERY FUCKING POST. YOU are my only audience, lowly intern. You are my prisoner. And Adam Sandler. I mean, I don’t have anything against him except my jealousy and the fact that I don’t see why he’s funny. George Bush trying to pronounce a three syllable word? THAT’S funny.

Now I wonder who else is paying to have someone collect information about themselves? Madonna? That would tax the program’s ability not to force her people to read up on Catholicism. Sharon Stone? Uh, don’t think she can afford it these days. Natalie Portman? Surely Tom Cruise?

Let’s see: Tom Cruise. Did it work? I guess I’ll have to wait to check my stats. There may be a program to only grab texts that appear near each other, like “Tom Cruise” and “Gay” or “Tom Cruise” and “Scientologist” Then they can look up my blog on Who Is and find out where I live before I publish these salacious photos I have of Mr. Cruise and the entire Brazillian men’s Figure Skating Team, and… oh, there’s a knock at my door… One mome….

4 comments » | anxiety, celebrity

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