Category: random crap

Concept Battle

January 5th, 2013 — 9:24am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.


A duck that thinks it’s an ugly swan, but is in fact a really hot duck

a gay, self hating nazi jewish black woman who takes lots and lots of self help courses

a pregnant lady traveling at the speed of light, so that both time and her cervix are dilated…

an army of tardigrades trying to shove an 78 RPM of Wooly Booly into a CD player

battered red bats bred for red bat bread, beaten to a pulp by well-bred brats bearing big red bats

a charmed quark giving a wedgie to a tau neutrino

Two robots slowly replacing each other’s parts with their own

a hand with knuckles on both sides, palmless

a ghost of a neanderthal man, haunting the Cro-Magnon, angry about going extinct

A flute with no holes that makes noise through osmosis…

a rocking chair made out of watermelons

the tension on a dam about to burst as felt by a small child holding its palm against the smooth cement base

an idea so boring that the idea yawns when contemplating itself

cellophane tape made of dried air

the sad truth behind Little Orphan Annie’s cold, dead, empty eyes…

a pupusa filled with space debris!

an executive desk toy made from the balls of warriors who have looked at medusa and turned to stone…

3 comments » | random crap

You just keep me hangin’ on…

June 18th, 2010 — 1:44am

I have to say it feels more like an ongoing therapy session than a freelance job. The Austrian Docs are so obsessively micro-managing that they have me come in once a week, every week, hand over some minor changes to the new flash pieces I’m working on, and then administer one of the second-level ‘therapeutic’ tests that they’re working on for the soldiers with P.T.S.D.

It is soothing –like spending time at yoga without the heavy stretching–  but I would like to finish this job and get paid eventually. Despite it all, I do have to respect the integrity of their vision. These people are legitimate doctors doing valuable work.

6 comments » | random crap

Concept Battle

June 8th, 2010 — 1:41am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

The first superintelligent prime number.

The clicking taps and scrapes of a jerusalem cricket with an aluminum cast on one of its legs scuttling around the interior of a sousaphone chasing after the reflected light emanating from a strand of mardi gras beads stuck in a nearby tree.

A phlegm-based system of currency.

The number, expressed in binary code, of the three dimensional coordinates, of a four dimensional tesseract.

The evil that pretends to be justice, feeling satisfied.

A pygmy steamroller.

Tinsel twisting in the breeze, hanging from a christmas tree rotting on the curb of the meanest man in Las Vegas.

A suburban housewife in curlers wearing a dirty pink nightgown suspended on a rope over a bunsen burner.

A nobel prize winning pasta recipe and a pulitzer prize winning manicure.

The rope bridge to hope’s last outpost, swaying in the mist….

The mincemeat pie of progress and its effect on the common man.

The clicking of tiny mandibles as beetles make ready to eat the body of one of their own.

The sympathy that devils have for angels who have fallen…

A sponge that will only soak up things that were spilled intentionally.

A new lease on life with an adjustable rate mortgage attached.

An artichoke with no heart.

A three ring circus binder.

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Concept Battle

June 3rd, 2010 — 1:37am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

An apology for violent overtures made in the past by one tribe offered to a neighboring tribe, encrypted in code so they can do a sneak attack while the other tribe is decrypting it.

A shoebox full of dog crap where her heart was supposed to be.

The first time a blind man in Venice touched a venetian blind.

The penumbra of the shadow of a doubt.

A cow in a customized fetish latex bondage outfit standing in a contact lens case.

Fish watching the sunset through the edge of the ocean.

Two hermaphrodites engaged in four acts of simultaneous oral sex.

A cup that emits interjections and a matching saucer that emits conjunctions.

Your interpretation of your wife’s smile in response to something you just said that you think she thougt was clever which she actually thought was moronic, hence the smile.

Keebler elves receiving job performance reviews based on the sales of their latest cookies…

A pizza designed for a non-euclidean space.

The change in the facial expression of the person hired to edit Hitchcock’s Rope when they learned there would only be four cuts, and the subsequent change upon realizing they would have little input on when these cuts occur.

The first genetically reconstituted neandertal man, in his first television commercial.

A flying saucer with a busted turn signal and illegally tinted windows.

Bread made from the seeds of its own destruction.

1 comment » | random crap

Concept Battle

May 29th, 2010 — 1:33am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

A dyslexic UPS delivery guy snorkeling in the great barrier reef with a package addressed to a recipient in the bikini atoll.

A dust mite staring with incomprehension at the vast expanse of the human eye.

An angel listening to a bootleg download of nine songs sung simultaneously by each of the nine levels of demons, the song of each in praise of the demons one level above them.

An albino chameleon that can only change into different shades of beige.

A coin reverse-engineered from the difference in the sounds two other coins make after rolling and falling onto their faces.

A merry-go-round made with live horses impaled on sticks.

A goose that ducks.

Boolean operators hanging out in a metalinguistic strip club when they’re not in use.

An object that exists in two dimensions, one of them time and the other width.

Someone who feels sexual excitement from boredom, sitting alone in a room smiling.

A policeman put in prison for having sex with a prisoner who was arrested for prostitution.

A pastrami and sauerkraut on pumpernickel sandwich watching reruns of three’s company in an abandoned washroom in nirvana.

A down payment on the reassurance that the molecules of your body will not spontaneously disassociate.

The crinkly noise that a potato chip bag makes as it triggers a salivation response in the couch-bound man.

Tantric yoga as practiced by a man with no arms or legs.

A turkey wearing an eyepatch inspecting a trebuchet made out of cigar smoke.

A Morman who marries a set of identical quadruplets.

The squeel of a bat closing in on tinkerbell, with its mouth open wide.

The gene responsible for asians mixing up the r and l sounds.

The toggle switch on the remote control to the electric chair and the man’s finger lightly pressing on it, waiting…

The reasonable mistrust felt toward anyone who has more hair than body mass.

A vacuum cleaner operating at high speed in the vacuum of deep space.

Comment » | random crap

Concept Battle

May 28th, 2010 — 1:30am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

Mickey mouse experiencing some discomfort in his lower alimentary canal due to heroin filled balloons.

The cheering that breaks out in the bleachers where gravity’s fans sit when the second hand on a battery operated clock no longer has enough energy to defy gravity and droops down pointing at the 6.

Tantric octopi in a menage a trois, creating a four dimensional tesseract…

A praying mantis performing tantric sex and eating its partner’s head, really, really slowly.

A bird sitting on a wire that is so long that it actually orbits around the earth about thirty feet in the air.

A moray eel living inside an elephant as its tapeworm…

Nirvana at the center of a chocolate bar.

The tournequet of despair upon the bleeding appendage of naivete.

Two mafia thugs heaving pinocchio into a wood chipper.

The bricks from the tower of babel, used to build a pool along the shores of the river Lethe.

Some angel hair anemone growing on the bottom of the river styx.

An imaginary number so complex that it causes an infarct in the brain of anyone who successfully contemplates it.

Feces from a white racist and a black supremacist, bumping against each other in the darkness of a sewer pipe.

A gesture among the warring tribes of the amazon rain forest which to them means “get off the path or we shall declare war” which in the civilized west means “do they have wireless internet here?”

A q-tip date-raping a cotton ball.

The look of innocent curiosity on a child’s face as it stones a wounded bird to death.

3 comments » | random crap

Concept Battle

May 22nd, 2010 — 1:26am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

A three dimensional transparent tetrahedron about the size of a sandwich that follows you around rotating randomly just above or below your line of sight.

The first computer program to grow angry at how badly it has been written…

The sound of something you were trying to remember as it zloops into oblivion.

A number which will never be discovered by man that contains encoded in it the most poetic description of mankind’s fate that it is possible to conceive of.

The homonym of a word that means its exact opposite.

The bewildered look of the last living dinosaur as it hatches from its egg.

Made in China stamps that are made in Mexico

symbolic logic representing the ebb and flow of female promiscuity as it relates to national debt.

An albino ghost.

The disappointment felt by a bird who was having a great time coasting on a thermal when she gets hit in the face by a crosswind.

A masaai warrior dressed up like raggedy anne for halloween, absent-mindedly still carrying his spear.

Psychic Vikings who discover America, only to leave when they realize what it will become…

A partridge in a peach tree, wondering where everybody else is.

A flagrant display of public affection between Herman Goerring and Adolph Hitler after having  overrun Poland…

A terrible idea that one individual had which was revised by a second into a somewhat interesting possibility, then transcribed by an emotionless drone, lost, found by an aggressively retarded fast food restaurant custodial assistant, then transformed into a work of genius, and finally stolen by Google.

The one yoga maneuver which can never be reversed once you enter into it.

A movie of the invisible man taking a pee in slow motion, focusing on the point of the stream at which it begins to reflect light.

Comment » | random crap

Concept Battle

May 15th, 2010 — 1:23am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

A fly, bigger than an elephant, wearing a fluorescent orange construction site helmet, carrying an elephant off to show the other giant flies, humming “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer some-thing” because she forgot the words, and the elephant says, “Wiener!”

The moment when the last human memory of your existence will disappear.

A plant that can only reproduce when it is bathed in the blood of a bird that is accidentally impaled upon it.

Concertina wire on the top of a concentration camp fence with the sound of a man playing the concertina wafting over the top.

Sincerity experienced as embarrassment in the face of a 12 year old girl, remembered by her mother at the girl’s funeral.

Max planck having anal sex with schrodinger’s cat while listening to holst’s music of the spheres.

A man named Roy G. Biv who is colorblind!

An ice cube vacationing in antarctica.

A theatrical production of the Spanish/English Dictionary, by mimes.

A hermaphrodite studying tantric sex…

The rush of self confidence that comes from killing an innocent man.

Eight black cats simultaneously crossing each other in an unlucky hexagon.

The brittle crust of dried salt on the hand of the delicate female marine biologist whose job it is to extract killer whale semen for their breeding experiment.

A musical instrument made from ice that can only be played in really cold climates.

An endodontist performing a root canal on her lover, a gynecologist, who is performing a gynecological exam on her, while simultaneously playing twister.

Canned marsupial being carried in a mailman’s pouch.

Comment » | random crap

Concept Battle

May 10th, 2010 — 1:19am

Having a Concept Battle with another guy.
Winners of Concept Battles shall be self-determined.

The show tunes that a freezer hums when all of its contents are frozen and it doesn’t have any work to do.

The developmentally disabled son of an aged but brilliant dwarf who becomes confused into thinking that he is the father and not the child.

A screw with an indentation in its head shaped like a question mark.

The freefall of the skydiver who has just realized that his angry spouse has replaced his parachute with dirty underwear…

The unsuccessful attempts to court a mycologist by a moirologist.

A Request for Proposals formally issued by the devil to the lesser subdemons for plans to annihilate the world.

The despair of the unmated mayfly as it hurtles to the earth to die.

An allegorical description of the difference between a simile and a metaphor.

The circular remains of a thousand year old creosote bush sprouting one last set of leaves before it dies, all happening before the first human being.

The turtle upon whose back the earth rests, as it realizes that it is only the figment of a primitive culture’s imagination.

An hypothesis playing croquet with an impossibility on a tundra.

The tidal wave that spreads out from the meteor’s impact, as it goes all the way around the earth and meets in the middle.

Flaming tumbleweeds on a giant hot wheels track twisted into a moebius loop.

Seeing stars when you hit your head while looking at the stars

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May 8th, 2010 — 1:14am

Received a phone call from someone claiming to be from the World Health Organization Management (does this even exist?) and then she started asking me about my sexual history. I immediately assumed it was a joke and started making things up, but the woman became annoyed and finally hung up on me. She didn’t seem to have much of a sense of humor, considering.

I looked up the organization and they do have a website:

I’m still not sure if it’s a joke or not though…

Comment » | random crap

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